dolorosa_12 | Downton Abbey, season 3; PhD, year 3

Can someone please explain why I should feel a shred of outrage that a patronising, paternalistic, privileged, cheating nobleman who was so financially incompetent that he lost all his wife's money on an idiotic investment is being forced to sell the family estate that gives back nothing to the wider community besides providing jobs for the people who serve his family?

Julian Fellowes clearly thinks I should feel that this is a grave, undeserved injustice.

Life goes on in its up and downy manner. Today I edited half of my PhD chapter. This went relatively smoothly, although for some reason, after lunch I felt a wave of anxiety so profound that I ended up sitting on the floor, crying and sort of rocking back and forth.

I managed to get a grip by going out for a long walk in the pouring rain. There are two paths that I could've taken along the route I chose: a bike path that is higher up, paved with asphalt, or a dirt track along the river, muddy and marshy. I chose the river track, despite not having any gumboots. There's something profoundly satisfying about trudging through the mud, being lashed by the wind and rain.

But my point is this: I'm not always in a position to go for a long walk when these waves of anxiety (or depression, or, occasionally, rage) hit. I'm thinking of tracking these things by noting my levels of depression, anxiety and rage every day, but it struck me that these things fluctuate, and I should try to keep track of what is bringing them on. People who have any experience with doing this, do you tend to note your levels of these emotions multiple times in the day, or only once a day?

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Don't worry about Downton. It's only a soap opera with an American-sized budget, made to sell cruises. I'm more concerned about the hash that Tom Stoppard made of the finale of Parade's End.

Can't help much with the anxiety, sorry. When I was severely pissed-off with working at a certain Cambridge-based aerospace and vehicle company I used to leave the office, go across the road, and sit in the park.

Oh, Downton is a ridiculous show. It just struck me as being particularly poor taste in the current economic climate. ('Oh, the horror! This exceptionally wealthy family has to leave their estate!' Meanwhile, people have to choose between eating and paying the electricity bill.) What was wrong with the finale of Parade's End? (Not having read the books, I don't know how inaccurate the series was.)

Walking and exercise seem to calm me down a lot. It's weird how helpful it can be to just move to a different place, sometimes. I hope your current work is much less infuriating.

Whenever it gets to what you consider bad, I think note it down. Then maybe you can start noticing when/how often? When I am generally overcome with anxiety it tends to happen once in the day (but lasts for different lengths of time, anywhere from 10 mins to 12 hours)... but not every day.

Have you tried Mindfulness? (like on the spot meditation style thing?) I suck at dealing with anxiety most of the time anyway so can't really help :(

Also I don't think it matters what Julian Fellowes wants you to think. I think you can sympathise with Grantham considering he made a huge mistake and faces losing something that's incredibly important to him and his family. Most people have felt like that at some point. Yes, it's his fault, but that probably only makes it hurt more for him, not less - he blames himself. And he knows it's not up to anyone else to save him. I don't think it matters whether or not we think his position/standing/privilege is right or not in order to feel for the character.

I guess I would find it easier if I liked Grantham as a character. I feel very sorry for his family, but very little for him. (As I said above to

cereswunderkind, in the current circumstances, it just seems in poor taste.) Downton irritates me, and I think that Fellowes said what he wanted to say a lot better in Gosford Park.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. My anxiety doesn't last as long as twelve hours (that sounds horrific), and seems to come and go more frequently than that.

I haven't tried meditation, although at least four or five people have suggested that I try it. We do it sometimes as part of my yoga class, and I always feel a lot better afterwards, but mostly I find it really difficult. I've never heard of Mindfulness - will Google after this.

Thanks for your advice.

I'm sorry about the anxiety, it really sucks because in the moment, there's not much you can do.
I was tracking my emotions, but just once a day. I had a phone app that allowed me to do a once a day recording, and I found tracking on my phone was the only way I'd actually record it each day. If you are motivated enough to track more than once a day, that's probably more accurate I guess. But I also feel that it's good to have that once at the end of the day unwind, a little mindful hard think about how you were overall.

My psych also said to me that it would be good if I could release my anxiety and stress while having a shower, and then go over each little thought and label it as "work stress" or "life stress" or "boy stress" (simplifying it a little just to give examples). The rage she said I should try and use up with exercise!

I really think it's valuable for you to record your moods, regardless of how you do it, when you look back over the weeks and months, seeing the changes makes you feel... well I think it puts the bad spots into perspective a little more, because you see that it's not ALWAYS bad. Which helped me. My mantra was "tomorrow is another day, and if I can just make it to tomorrow, then it's free of all the bad stuff from today" which is simplistic, but some days was the only thing that would get me to the next.

But also, sometimes you do just need to allow yourself to rage (safely and without sharp implements). Feel the roller coaster of emotions because... they're telling you SOMETHING.

And I hope now you're back in England, that you have more support and also can go and get some counselling perhaps.

Thanks for telling me all this - it's really helpful to hear from someone who's experienced something similar. It's very hard to explain to people who haven't gone through this. I'm going to try tracking stuff, but three times a day (morning, after lunch, before I go to bed), because I think that's what will work for me.

Feel the roller coaster of emotions because... they're telling you SOMETHING.

This is what I struggle to explain to people, and it's so true.

Being back in England is helpful, and my moods are generally better than last year, so that is one positive thing.

By the way, are you back in Australia? My boyfriend and I are visiting for three weeks over the summer, and I'd love to catch up. I won't be going to Canberra, but if you're in Sydney at any point, we must meet up!

I'm glad that being back in England helps. Even if they can't actually DO anything, being around loved ones constantly can help a lot, just by being there I guess you know you aren't so alone.

yes I'm back in Canberra again, but can pretty easily get up to Sydney. Let me know when you're here! :o)

Downton Abbey, season 3; PhD, year 3

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