Back in the 'bridge

[dolorosa_12]

I'm reposting this slightly late, because posts from Dreamwidth don't seem to be importing properly to Livejournal. I actually wrote this on Tuesday, but only noticed it hadn't imported today.

The thing that struck me most upon my return was not the weather so much as the silence. My mother lives in the most densely-populated postcode in Australia. It is a suburb full of backpackers, nightclubs and bars, and is also the red light district. It is, as Matthias noted, the only place where it seems perfectly natural for a sourdough bakery to be open 24 hours a day. It's so vibrant and full of life. It seems so odd to be at home and hear nothing.

When I think back on the trip, the word that describes it best is 'whirlwind'. Not just in terms of time (we were only there for three weeks) but in terms of emotions. I felt as if the space that I had occupied there had closed up behind me, and while it wasn't too much work to make a space for myself again, it was work. It is, of course, entirely natural that people's lives move on when you go away, but I think the internet gives me an illusion of being up to date about all the changes people have gone through, and conversely keeps them entirely informed of who I've become.

I was really happy with how welcoming my family and friends were of Matthias. The trip was filled with events where I was able to catch up with everyone and where he was able to get to know people. Melbourne with my dad, stepmother and sisters was the usual chaotic fun, and we managed to see two of my friends there as well. In Sydney, I organised drinks and dinner on the roof of my apartment block (it has views of Sydney Harbour) with my Sydney Uni friends and K (who I've known since primary school through gymnastics). There were several other events with that group, so we managed to see everyone amid the comings and goings of the Christmas holidays. We also had lunch with angel_cc and catpuccino and dinner with two of Matthias' friends who live in Sydney. lucubratae came up for a daytrip and had lunch with us, which was great (and very generous). We also saw all my relatives on both sides of the family. But after two weeks, I found it all too much - I am an introvert at heart - and tried to slow down a bit. In the final week in Sydney, we mostly just did stuff on our own - lots of beach trips, a day exploring recommended bars and seeing The Hobbit (which I will write about later), and a day at the cricket, which was my birthday and Christmas present to Matthias.

The trip was a bit of a mixed bag, although on the whole it was positive. But I find it difficult to be confronted with the past, with my history, with the weight of people's memories. You cannot ever go back, and although I have no doubt that I would have a wonderful life if I moved back to Australia, the recent trip has convinced me that Britain is where I want to be for the moment.

Comments

[catpuccino.livejournal.com]

Literally a trip down memory lane right? But sort of not because it's all so familiar and yet not quite the same.
As they said in the castle "it's the vibe, the vibe of the whole thing" (paraphrased as I don't remember exactly). Things don't really look different (unlike in Shanghai where every few weeks buildings go up and come down again, so that in six months time the skyline is just different) but it feels different. Like you said, the little space you took up has closed and you are but an insubstantial wisp of shadow that has no physical place in your old home.

The whole not being able to go back to a particular time is something we both think about a lot I think. I think for you it came out more as a deep longing for a previous time, when everything was better and simpler. For me, I think I try and recreate the past a lot, eventually finding that it's something you cannot retrieve. And I guess it's so much more precious because of that.

But it was lovely to see you in person, even though I read about things here on the internet, it's not quite the same! And great to meet Matthias, even though he probably was a bit tired of us slipping into reminiscences.

[dolorosa-12.livejournal.com]

As is often the case, you've hit the nail on the head here. What you're describing could possibly be summed up with the German word Sehnsucht (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sehnsucht), which is untranslatable. Wikipedia describes it as 'thoughts and feelings about all facets of life that are unfinished or imperfect, paired with a yearning for ideal alternative experiences. It has been referred to as “life’s longings”; or an individual’s search for happiness while coping with the reality of unattainable wishes.

It is sometimes felt as a longing for a far-off country, but not a particular earthly land which we can identify. Furthermore there is something in the experience which suggests this far-off country is very familiar and indicative of what we might otherwise call "home".'

A friend on Dreamwidth mentioned this word, and it was like a lightbulb going off in my mind. This perfectly describes both what you think about the past, and what I think about it - and probably goes a long way towards explaining our respective attitudes towards the present and future.

I'm sorry for the late reply. I had a short depressive episode and it made replying to comments impossible.

[catpuccino.livejournal.com]

Oh those Germans, always coming up with great words. If I had a better attention to detail and ability to focus I could be a linguist, comparing the different ways words make people think/talk/behave. I had a French housemate (too actually) in Cambodia and she would often ask me "what is the English word for [insert long description of thing]" and I'd have to say, umm... yes well that's how you'd say it. We don't have a word. Or at least not one that is in popular usage. And when I was in China and learning mandarin, the teacher would give a particular English definition for a word and I'd be like "well yes but no" (very Australian saying :P) in that, when I thought about it, technically it was correct. But the feeling was just wrong... Often I have a sense of what a Chinese word means (rather than what the actual meaning is) and the synonym we'd get in class would be just that, a synonym.

Sorry you went through a bad patch. But I don't check my LJ comments that often, so no need to apologise for slow comments!

And thanks again for the blog recommendations. I'm still thinking, but really I should just DO instead of looking for some perfect platform. The above discussion is one example of content I'd like. Just... thoughts like that. Maybe not enough for a full blog post, just little random thoughts that are meant to generate discussion.

[dolorosa-12.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I hope you're able to stay out of the heat. The weather in Australia seems positively post-apocalyptic right now.