Rant, part I
Oct. 12th, 2007 09:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolorosa_12This will form the first part of a three-part rant. It's been something I think about from time to time, but it was brought back to my attention mainly by a conversation with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
soapyhermit So brace yourselves for Ronni's Rules For Parenting.
1. Talk to your children like they are adults.
I can't bear it when people talk in baby talk to children. How do they expect their children to learn how to speak properly if everyone speaks nonsense to them in a sing-song voice? All this leads to is the children having problems talking to adults. Children should be able to talk to adults, without finding it strange. If you talk to your children in a different manner to how you talk to everyone else, they'll think they're different to everyone else, and that what they have to say is of no interest to adults and vice versa.
2. Read books to your children.
It infuriates me to see children who are unable to sit still for five minutes. It causes me physical pain to see teenagers and adults who hate reading. The only way to love reading is to be shown the joys of books from a very young age. Parents *must* take the time to read to their children. Once you know how to read, you'll never be bored again in your life. You'll never have trouble sitting still. You'll never have trouble writing. And your world will be wider, more beautiful, peopled with people who teach you how to be human. Reading is as necessary as breathing.
3. Be consistent.
You can't tell your children that junk food is bad for them and then have chocolate hidden in the back of the cupboard. You can't forbid your children from watching TV and then spend your evenings vegging out on the couch. You must treat all your children equally. You mustn't say something to a person's face, and something different behind his or her back, if your children are watching. Most importantly, you cannot (and I swear I've seen this happen) smack your son for hitting his sister.
4. Stick to your principles, but be prepared to comfort your child in the face of problems caused by putting these principles into practice.
This is connected to 3. I will have to illustrate with an example from my own childhood. When I was a child, my mother thought that most TV was pure evil. My sister and I were not allowed to watch commercial TV. I never saw this as any kind of deprivation, but, for example, it has meant that I've never seen The Simpsons in my own home. I missed out on all those weekend cartoons. When people say 'Smurfs', it means nothing to me. But, like I said, I couldn't care less. Instead of coming home and watching TV, my sister and I climbed trees, danced to The Little Mermaid soundtrack, read, wrote stories, drew pictures, and invented the most amazing and intricate imaginary worlds, the memory of which remains with me to this day. I was lucky, because I didn't see myself as having missed out on anything, but one day, when I was 19, I told one of my friends about this. I was telling him in pride, and his reaction was 'But your mother was depriving you of participation in your own culture.' I simply couldn't articulate to him how much it meant to me, that I *was* deprived of my culture. But if I'd been a less strong person, and the no TV rule had bothered me, my mother would have had to deal with it. It's easy as a parent to have principles, but if it's your kids who have to live them, you must be strong enough to help them, especially if your principles set them at odds with the majority of society.
5. Enjoy spending time with your children.
When I hear parents say things like, 'I can't wait til my kids go to school, then I can have some peace and quiet,' I want to smack them in the face. If you don't want to spend time with your children, don't have any.
6. Know what's going on at your children's school.
If you don't know your children's teachers' names, if you don't know what subjects your children study, if you don't know what homework and assignments they have you are showing your children that you don't care about their school work. I remember once when I was about 14, I was over at my friend's house, and we were talking about our parents' respective attitudes to homework. She seemed to think that my mother's approach (to know exactly what I was doing, and make sure I did it) would not teach me responsibility, and it was better for parents to take a hands off approach. I vehemently disagreed then, and I vehemently disagree now. If you don't know what your children are doing at school, you are showing them that what they do in school doesn't matter. If you find out how your kids are going only on parent-teacher nights, you are showing them you only care about grades, not about the whole process that allows them to get such grades. Ultimately, children learn responsibility gradually - but one thing's for sure, they won't learn responsibility if you treat their school work, and what goes on for 7 hours of 5 days of every week, like it doesn't matter.
7. Corporal punishment is the depth of cowardice.
All it teaches children is that bigger people can hurt smaller people and it's all right. If the only way you can show your children that their behaviour is inappropriate is to physically or emotionally hurt them, YOU HAVE FAILED AS A PARENT. NO EXCUSES. NO JUSTIFICATION. IT IS NEVER ALL RIGHT.
Here endeth the first rant.
soapyhermit So brace yourselves for Ronni's Rules For Parenting.1. Talk to your children like they are adults.
I can't bear it when people talk in baby talk to children. How do they expect their children to learn how to speak properly if everyone speaks nonsense to them in a sing-song voice? All this leads to is the children having problems talking to adults. Children should be able to talk to adults, without finding it strange. If you talk to your children in a different manner to how you talk to everyone else, they'll think they're different to everyone else, and that what they have to say is of no interest to adults and vice versa.
2. Read books to your children.
It infuriates me to see children who are unable to sit still for five minutes. It causes me physical pain to see teenagers and adults who hate reading. The only way to love reading is to be shown the joys of books from a very young age. Parents *must* take the time to read to their children. Once you know how to read, you'll never be bored again in your life. You'll never have trouble sitting still. You'll never have trouble writing. And your world will be wider, more beautiful, peopled with people who teach you how to be human. Reading is as necessary as breathing.
3. Be consistent.
You can't tell your children that junk food is bad for them and then have chocolate hidden in the back of the cupboard. You can't forbid your children from watching TV and then spend your evenings vegging out on the couch. You must treat all your children equally. You mustn't say something to a person's face, and something different behind his or her back, if your children are watching. Most importantly, you cannot (and I swear I've seen this happen) smack your son for hitting his sister.
4. Stick to your principles, but be prepared to comfort your child in the face of problems caused by putting these principles into practice.
This is connected to 3. I will have to illustrate with an example from my own childhood. When I was a child, my mother thought that most TV was pure evil. My sister and I were not allowed to watch commercial TV. I never saw this as any kind of deprivation, but, for example, it has meant that I've never seen The Simpsons in my own home. I missed out on all those weekend cartoons. When people say 'Smurfs', it means nothing to me. But, like I said, I couldn't care less. Instead of coming home and watching TV, my sister and I climbed trees, danced to The Little Mermaid soundtrack, read, wrote stories, drew pictures, and invented the most amazing and intricate imaginary worlds, the memory of which remains with me to this day. I was lucky, because I didn't see myself as having missed out on anything, but one day, when I was 19, I told one of my friends about this. I was telling him in pride, and his reaction was 'But your mother was depriving you of participation in your own culture.' I simply couldn't articulate to him how much it meant to me, that I *was* deprived of my culture. But if I'd been a less strong person, and the no TV rule had bothered me, my mother would have had to deal with it. It's easy as a parent to have principles, but if it's your kids who have to live them, you must be strong enough to help them, especially if your principles set them at odds with the majority of society.
5. Enjoy spending time with your children.
When I hear parents say things like, 'I can't wait til my kids go to school, then I can have some peace and quiet,' I want to smack them in the face. If you don't want to spend time with your children, don't have any.
6. Know what's going on at your children's school.
If you don't know your children's teachers' names, if you don't know what subjects your children study, if you don't know what homework and assignments they have you are showing your children that you don't care about their school work. I remember once when I was about 14, I was over at my friend's house, and we were talking about our parents' respective attitudes to homework. She seemed to think that my mother's approach (to know exactly what I was doing, and make sure I did it) would not teach me responsibility, and it was better for parents to take a hands off approach. I vehemently disagreed then, and I vehemently disagree now. If you don't know what your children are doing at school, you are showing them that what they do in school doesn't matter. If you find out how your kids are going only on parent-teacher nights, you are showing them you only care about grades, not about the whole process that allows them to get such grades. Ultimately, children learn responsibility gradually - but one thing's for sure, they won't learn responsibility if you treat their school work, and what goes on for 7 hours of 5 days of every week, like it doesn't matter.
7. Corporal punishment is the depth of cowardice.
All it teaches children is that bigger people can hurt smaller people and it's all right. If the only way you can show your children that their behaviour is inappropriate is to physically or emotionally hurt them, YOU HAVE FAILED AS A PARENT. NO EXCUSES. NO JUSTIFICATION. IT IS NEVER ALL RIGHT.
Here endeth the first rant.
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no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 11:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-13 06:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-13 08:41 am (UTC)Elaborating...
4: It is possible to teach children to enjoy things in moderation, rather than teaching them that only the extremes are possible.
5: You may enjoy spending time with your children, but before they reach school age, you have to spend ALL of your time with them. This means, for instance, putting your career on hold. When they reach school age, you still get to spend time with them, but you also get to pursue your own life a bit.
6: You can know what is going on at your child's school without needing to tell them explicitly what to do. A vague requirement that homework is done to an acceptable level and general encouragement for extra curricular activities should hopefully lead to the child learning to take the initiative and managing their time properly. Of course, you should still be interested in your child's activities etc :-)
no subject
Date: 2007-10-13 09:17 am (UTC)4: I think it's important to stick with your principles, but if your children are the ones who have to live them, you have to understand that it's difficult for them.
5: I agree with you. It's people saying, 'oh, I'm glad the holidays are over' or things like that. You should enjoy spending time with your children. Otherwise, what's the point.
6: I hope I didn't imply that you should tell them explicitly what to do. What I meant is that you should *know* what they have to do. You should know *all* of their assignments, the due dates, what subjects they are doing. You should be involved in their decision making when they are choosing what subjects to study at school. You should know what subjects they find hard. You shouldn't be clueless, which is what my friend's parents were, in the example I gave.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-13 09:42 am (UTC)None of this, of course, makes me superior in any way, but it did have a small part in making me who I am, and for that I am extremely grateful to my mother.
My point is that although these principles made me an odd child, they didn't harm my ability to function in the world (except the day in Year Three when we had to colour in the clothes in a drawing of characters from The Simpsons and I had no idea what to do...but that's another story!) I don't see it as extremism of any kind. But I do concede your point that this 'rule' can be taken to justify indoctrinating children. That was not what I meant, but, taken to its extreme, of course, that is what would happen.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-13 08:20 am (UTC)I think #7 is the most interesting/controversial, and while I agree it is not ok to take out your anger on a child with hitting/violence, I also think there might be circumstances where children NEED to know something they've done is NOT ok, and there might just not be another way. I think definitely it should be a last resort, and never vindictive or spiteful, but a smack on the butt is a stinging reminder that there are some things you can't do.
I also don't agree with #1. Sometimes yes, it becomes ridiculous and some women are very OTT with this, but... babies and small children are cute and sometimes you talk to them in baby talk because it's just... too hard not to! Additionally speaking to a small child like an adult is like not slowing down a bit for people who you know have difficulties speaking the language (whatever that might be). Don't slow down so much and treat them like they're stupid, but adapt and change how YOU speak so that they can understand... with small children you need to use smaller words, be clearer, discuss things that a child can understand. Just because you were a smart child doesn't meant that all children are so smart.
I agree with #5 to a degree, it makes me sad when people I know tell me they don't like to read, but I don't think it's for everyone. It's just like I'm not a sporty person. Should my parents have brought me up with AFL/Rugby/some other kind of sport, just because it might enrich my life? Most Australians would tell you so... but I don't think I'm missing out on anything because I can't understand what's happening in the footy!
And #5: if you spend too much time with your kids and they are noisy and rowdy and just TOO much you would understand. I don't think most people mean it like "oh i hate my kids they're too much" but rather like "I'm so TIRED... I just need a break right now!" Little kids with excess energy are exhausting... it doesn't mean you don't want children, it's just... hard...
no subject
Date: 2007-10-13 09:31 am (UTC)You are right that there are no real rules for parenting. Each child is different and what works for one may not necessarily work for another. Those seven rules are more...my uncompromising guidelines. Obviously we only observe one kind of parenting: our own. But I came to articulate each of those seven rules as the result of a series of specific events in my own life (either conversations with other people, or other children that I observed) where I saw something deficient in the person's upbringing. Those seven rules would have prevented such 'deficiencies'.
I am aware that, as someone who is not a parent, it's easy for me to set out these over-the-top rules. Well, when I have children, you can all tease me about how my principles have flown out the window!
Going back to #1. I think you've misunderstood what I said. Of course talk to children in a way they can understand. What you mustn't do is speak to them in a silly sing-song way. Also, I don't think you need to moderate what you're saying. If you use a big word that a child doesn't understand, the child tends to ask what the word means. (I have seen this happen with my own cousins and little sister). What I meant was that you should speak to children about stuff which interests them. You must treat what they're saying like it matters (it does!), not as if they're cute little performing seals that happen to be able to talk. (Again, I've seen this happen).
no subject
Date: 2007-10-24 11:28 pm (UTC)I would add #8: Sing to your children. Bring back something that was so common to so many cultures back has largely been stamped out. Singing is a great communal activity and as a social activity it lingers near death.
Also, to your clarification of #6
"You should know *all* of their assignments, the due dates, what subjects they are doing."
Sounds a little bit totalitarian doesn't it? I think you should certainly be involved and you have to have a great *feel* for the school and what is going on in the wider school setting but specifics such as homework and assessment are things to be managed by your kid. You have to teach independence and self-starting by giving your kids ever increasing responsibility for these things.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-27 11:30 am (UTC)In terms of singing, I agree with you. I remember when I saw Monsoon Wedding, and this big, warm Indian family was sitting around singing and laughing together, and wishing that we had retained something like that in our culture.