Everywhere you look, you only see red

[dolorosa_12]

Thank you to everyone who answered my last post about compost bins — I think I've settled on the type I'm going to use, and your answers were very helpful.



It unfortunately seems that my recovery from hitting the pandemic wall in February was only a temporary respite — I'm feeling absolutely miserable: worn down, hopeless, and really, really sad. I cried my way through a yoga session just now, so that's where I'm at.

My mother and sister #1 spotted it immediately when we had our weekly FaceTime call this morning. In between my sister evangelising about meditation, they both gave me the right (albeit unwelcome) advice: get off Twitter. I used to be able to be much more ruthless with myself about this — in 2019 I left Twitter (and did not read a single news article) for about six months — but I seem to have lost all self control in this regard, and end up on there for hours at a time, wallowing in all the grief, pain and cruelty of the world. It's not helpful to anyone, and it's hurting me — the whole thing is like deliberate self-harm. Since I can't be trusted to stay away, I need to delete the app (I'm not yet prepared to contemplate deleting my account entirely, but the app needs to be gone from my phone and iPad). I can feel it slowly poisoning me — it's making me feel bleak and hopeless, like the whole world is full of violent, controlling bullies and those who make excuses for them. And, as I say, I can see myself slipping into patterns of behaviour that are basically self-harm: deliberately seeking out things on Twitter which I know will upset me, deliberately seeking out examples of people reacting with hopelessness and despair to others' cruelty, and just submerging myself in all that pain. I can't be there any more.



On the other hand, I keep seeing people announcing that they're getting their first (or second) dose of the vaccine, and these announcements are like lighthouses, shining valiantly through the storms and dark water. At least six people in my Dreamwidth circle (five in the US, one Australian) in the past two days said they had either been vaccinated or were going to be this week, and I've seen various other people (mainly British and Australian) announce the same thing on Twitter. My father-in-law (in Germany) got his first dose last weekend, and sister #1 told me that our dad, and sister #2 (eighteen years old, but has Type 1 diabetes) are getting their first dose next week. Technically my mother is eligible too, but due to the complete shambles that is Australia's method of handling the vaccine rollout (instead of getting GP surgeries to notify each eligible person when a dose and appointment becomes available, the government launched some buggy website that everyone had to log into to book an appointment, in much the way that one would try to buy tickets to a highly popular music gig; inevitably the website crashed, there was contradictory information, etc etc) she hasn't bothered to try yet. Sister #1 thinks it was easier for our father to get his appointment because he lives in a regional centre rather than in a major city.

Shambles aside, seeing all these people get vaccinated is really, really wonderful. In the UK I've seen people in their forties getting their first dose (although I don't know if these people have chronic health conditions as well), so I'm hopeful in the next month or so that I (in my thirties, no disabilities or chronic illnesses) might get my first vaccination too!

There are shadows, but the light is there too.

Comments

[kore]

Oh yeah I cannot do twitter. I cannot do most of tumblr, either, altho a lot of those people really have their hearts in the right place, b/c I just can't deal with the constant reminder of terrible political shit. twitter is that way but exponentially moreso. Maybe it's just a form of privilege on my part, but otoh it is a pretty new invention for us all to be able to be smacked with all the horrors of the world all over the world every minute of every day. burnout helps no one.

I am surprised at how many more people are finding it easier to get vaccinated! (Including me!) That makes me REALLY hopeful. it's going t obe a race between the vaccinations rates and the variants and now it's looking ike....we might have a chance??

(sorry for typos, surfing when I shd be in bed coddling migraine)

[dolorosa_12]

it is a pretty new invention for us all to be able to be smacked with all the horrors of the world all over the world every minute of every day. burnout helps no one.

You've hit the nail on the head here. Even people in the past who were extremely politically well informed didn't have it coming at them constantly, with no respite: they read newspapers, watched/listened to the news at set times of the day, etc.

I can't do Tumblr either — I left a couple of years ago when they started banning lots of content (I wasn't posting anything that was banned, but I took it as a bad sign) and haven't missed it at all.

[chestnut_pod]

<3 <3 <3

The world can be very hard and sad. But not in its entirety. Relevant xkcd, perhaps, including my very favorite, also relevant, Tolkien quote. In case it helps.

Hurray for your dad and sister and FIL, too.

[dolorosa_12]

<3

That xkcd is lovely, and the quote is beautiful — I can see why it's your favourite.

[bruttimabuoni]

It's good you've recognised where your brain is at. I hope it helps.

But yes, isn't vaccine news cheering? Till the latest news of supply blips I was assuming I'd get done in April, but it looks a bit later now. Still, pretty damn good to look forward to it.

[dolorosa_12]

The vaccine news is extremely cheering, supply problems notwithstanding. Hopefully May is not unrealistic for you to get your first dose.

[pauraque]

So many people I know on here have gotten vaccinated now that I've lost track! It's very encouraging.

I've had the same problem with using online content to mentally self-harm. I can't say I've completely gotten past it, but my therapist tells me it's a good first step just to know that I'm doing it and say, "Hey, I'm doing that thing again" even if I'm not able to stop myself in that moment.

[dolorosa_12]

The vaccine news is very encouraging — it makes me so happy!

It's helpful to know that there are other people who do the same thing as me with online content, and have similar struggles in controlling that behaviour. It really is awful, isn't it? I'm glad to know that you're at least able to recognise it when it starts to happen.

[corvidology]

My sympathies. ♥

I was only on Twitter for professional connections and I even had to give that up.

[dolorosa_12]

Thank you!

I use Twitter (different account) for professional stuff, but I made a strict rule for myself that I basically only use it to announce things, like a megaphone, and otherwise don't look at it at all. So it's only my personal account where I get overwhelmed with all the awfulness of the world, which means that it's easier to walk away.

[laurenthemself]

I am probably on a waiting list for the vaccine. I say 'probably' because they asked me to email health information but I haven't had a response to confirm that it was the right information.

[dolorosa_12]

It does sound like a bit of a shambles, and I hope you get clarity soon. My sister says the problem is that no GP knows how many doses of the vaccine they will be supplied with, so they can't promise appointments to anyone until they know exactly how much vaccine will be available. It sounds a very silly way to manage the process!

[charlottenewtons]

I deleted my twitter account last year and haven't looked back.

It is heartening to see that the vaccination roll out is going well. One thing the government haven't managed to mess up (so far anyway.)

[dolorosa_12]

I'm glad you were able to make such a clean break from Twitter — it really can be so damaging to mental health.

I was pleasantly surprised by how the vaccine rollout has gone over here: the benefits of it being managed by the NHS, rather than Serco, or some Tory Party donor!

[charlottenewtons]

It helped that I hadn't been on it for very long and was only really following a couple of friends who didn't even use it much themselves. It just seems to be one of those places where everyone has to be continually angry about something and I found that exhausting.

[trepkos]

Yes, stay away from Twitter - where many people are their worst possible selves. My SO had his second Astra-Zeneca today.

[dolorosa_12]

Really glad to hear your partner got his second dose — seeing people get vaccinated is such a glimmer of light.

And yes, Twitter is not a happy place.

[lirazel]

Twitter truly seems like a terrible, terrible place to me. I mean, I'm sure some people find joy from it, but as an outsider who has never used it, I find that difficult to imagine. I wish you all kinds of luck in deleting the app and cutting down on using it. It's so hard to break those kinds of habits.

[dolorosa_12]

I’m certain that some people must enjoy it, but almost everyone I know seems to find it a grind, and limit their time there. It was more pleasant when I first joined, way back in 2009 — like all online platforms, it was a calmer place before it got popular.