Yep not yes

[dolorosa_12]

Every so often, my mum goes on a decluttering spree in her apartment, and unearths forgotten stacks of paper relics of my childhood — school reports, random certificates from maths or piano competitions, preschool artwork, etc. She sent me a massive collection of the latest such material, and I've been having great fun going through it.

My absolute favourite thing so far, which had me crying tears of helpless laughter, was the below list, written (judging by the handwriting and spelling errors) aged about eight or nine:



'How To Be Cooler List

1. Buy more tapes
2. Rent intresting videos at parties
3. Wear better clothes
4. Go to more movies and shows
5. Eat more lollies [nb 'lollies'=Australian for sweets/candy]
6. Do more "after school activites"
7. Invite more people over
8. Don't turn down going to other people's places
9. Buy more cool stuff (Yikes pencils, fruit shaped earasers)
10. Don't say dumb things (oh, my word)
11. Say more cool things (yep, not yes)'


So, there you have it: the top tips for achieving the pinnacle of early-'90s Australian primary school-aged cool.

I think the fact that at some point in my life I sat down and, in deadly earnest, created such a list, illustrates the fact that there is not a single point in my life in which I have ever been cool.

Comments

[pauraque]

It's probably a good thing they don't make Yikes pencils anymore, or I'd be filling my online shopping cart as we speak.

I'm a little confused by the second item, though - I certainly rented a lot of videos in the '90s, but at parties?

[dolorosa_12]

I think I meant at sleepover parties (i.e. the ones held at my own house, rather than a sleepover at someone else's place) — we almost always rented two or three videos to watch at these sleepovers, and I assume child!me had some sense (incorrect or not) that whatever videos I was choosing at these sleepovers weren't up to my friends' exacting standards...

Yikes pencils were the best!

[pauraque]

Ahh, renting videos for parties! That makes sense, we did that too. At some of the sleepovers I attended, the goal was actually to stay up all night watching movies, though insomniac me was usually the only one who could make it.

[dolorosa_12]

At some of the sleepovers I attended, the goal was actually to stay up all night watching movies

This used to happen with my group of friends as well, although it used to irritate the hell out of me, because it was always someone else's idea to do this, then every single other person would fall asleep while one of the movies was playing, and I — who was utterly incapable of sleeping in an environment in which a video was playing — would remain awake on my own until the movie ended.

[yarnofariadne]

#10 cracked me up 😂

[dolorosa_12]

Followed by number 11, I find it even more hilarious.

I just cannot think of a context in which I would have said this! But my suspicion is that I said it once, some other kids mocked me for it, and I became utterly fixated on it, possibly to the point that this one instance of mockery was the spark for this whole list.

[luzula]

*also laughs at the last two items*

I think I didn't even have the ambition of making such a list...I was definitely uncool, but I also didn't have the social antennae to care that I wasn't cool.

[dolorosa_12]

As a child (and younger teenager) I had the twin burdens of being hyperaware of how others perceived me and how all my peers perceived each other, and being a student among student populations (and within smaller friendship groups) that were quite ruthless in their policing of difference, and their poor treatment of anything they viewed as divergent or 'uncool' behaviour. The former condition has remained throughout my life, but thankfully by the time I got to the older teenage years, I ended up in a larger social circle in which strangeness and quirkiness was celebrated.

So yeah, as a child, I cared (far too much) that I wasn't perceived as cool, and although I can't remember actually writing this list, I have absolutely no doubt that it was sparked by being mocked for at least one thing listed, causing me to fixate on the mockery and do all I could to cease the particular behaviour that brought such mockery about.

It would have been better if I'd been like you as a child!

[corvidology]

At least you tried for cool! ;D

I used to watch the early seasons of CSI - loved Grissom - and there's an exchange from an episode where they're talking about who they were in high school (remember, US high schools really do have more 'identities' I've learned) that has stuck with me because I immediately recognised myself:

Warrick Brown: So were you a jock or a brain?
Gil Grissom: I was a ghost.

[dolorosa_12]

Oh wow, that's kind of sad in retrospect — although from what I can tell, your presence in your adult life is anything but ghostly.

High school, eh?

[corvidology]

I was hungry and amoeba-like for any new knowledge/new book and didn't give a shit about the social aspects of school at all which was the way I took what Grissom said as he was obviously a good student.

It probably helped that I loathed bullies and took on a couple of them successfully early on in defence of others, so got left in peace.

The funny thing is, because I was a grammar school kid my school actually has 'high school' as part of its name which can be very confusing to people in the US, besides grammar school meaning primary school to them.

ETA: I'm still a... softer(?) version of this in the workplace. I have colleagues I like/respect very much and we'll sometimes do lunch or something but I don't have deep abiding friendships with any of them the way many of them do with each other and I choose not to attend any work social event that isn't really 'required' even though they don't put it that way of course.

[dolorosa_12]

I'm still a... softer(?) version of this in the workplace. I have colleagues I like/respect very much and we'll sometimes do lunch or something but I don't have deep abiding friendships with any of them the way many of them do with each other and I choose not to attend any work social event that isn't really 'required' even though they don't put it that way of course.

I'm kind of like this at the workplace as well — I just have no interest in mixing my social (free) time with people from work, although I'm friendly enough in the office and will have morning coffee with colleagues, etc.

[charlottenewtons]

Yep being cooler than yes is so funny.

[dolorosa_12]

I know, right? I couldn't stop laughing!

[chestnut_pod]

Fruit-shaped erasers! Who could deny the coolth of those?!

[dolorosa_12]

The absolute height of cool!

[laurenthemself]

I never had Yikes pencils and now I wish I did.

[dolorosa_12]

I had a whole collection of them (plus the fruit-shaped erasers, so my aspirations in regard to that item on the list clearly came to fruition at some point, although my assumption that possession of such stationery would immediately usher in a coolness transformation were of course completely unfounded).

[lyr]

Aww, bless.

[dolorosa_12]

It's so hilariously adorable!

[merit]

yep! (because yes is too formal? ^^)

I'm sure the lollies goal was appreciated by your parents.

[dolorosa_12]

because yes is too formal?

I would assume so, although I can't actually remember the context in which I came to think this. My assumption, based on what I was like as a child, is that some other kids probably made fun of me for not saying yep (or, apparently, for saying 'oh my word'), I seethed and stewed with mortification about this for the rest of the school day, and then I came home and wrote this list as a kind of attempt never to be mocked in that way again.

I'm sure the lollies goal was appreciated by your parents.

I know, right? 'Mum, Dad, I need to eat more junk food — it's important!'

[lirazel]

Yikes pencils! Fruit-shaped erasers! Ah, childhood!

This is hilarious and I am so glad you shared it with us.

[dolorosa_12]

The pinacle of cool: items of stationery.

I'm glad you liked the list — it made me howl and cry with laughter for most of Saturday morning.

[svgurl]

LOL I love this list and the last two made me laugh. I think a lot of us have told us ourselves that way past childhood. :D

[dolorosa_12]

The list made me laugh a lot too: it's just completely ridiculous!

I think a lot of us have told us ourselves that way past childhood. :D

Oh indeed!

[scintilla10]

omg this is an adorable treasure! Who can deny the coolness of fruit shaped erasers??

[dolorosa_12]

The absolute pinnacle of cool!