Marnie

[dolorosa_12]

(Please note, 'Marnie' is what all the grandchildren call my grandmother. We call our grandfather 'Tony'.)


38 days until someone hugs me.
*
The new students have arrived. They roam around the Altstadt wearing cardboard hats, demanding gifts. Some bizarre Heidelberg ritual? I have nothing to give them.

Marnie has cancer.

*
When, in Pagan's Scribe, Lord Roland dies, Pagan screams and pulls his hair out. Over the years, I've thought about who, for me, would evoke that level of emotion. My mother. My sisters. M. thelxiepia. lucubratae. Tony. Marnie.

Marnie has cancer, and if the news next week is bad, I will be screaming and tearing my hair.

*
Alex made a playlist, and it's all about losing love and hope, and all I will ever associate it with is Marnie having cancer.

*
Yesterday I cleaned and scrubbed my room until it was raw, until is was as clean as the new Earth.

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I love thelxiepia, and Moa, and Marie, and Miriam, and my mother so much that my heart and skull feel as if they are cracking.

*
Two things I feel, with the force of a thunderclap and a gunshot:
I am a Phillips, and because of that, I am surrounded by a love that is as strong as stone;
I am alive, with every fibre of my being I am alive and alive and alive.

*
Marnie has cancer, and I love her. And it is always, always, always too soon.