*wades out of the swamp*

[dolorosa_12]

I ... kind of disappeared again. I spent the previous two weeks in the kind of miserable fog that I always fall into when I make the mistake of reading news websites or going on Twitter. I always think I can handle it in small doses, and I'm always wrong, and fall into terrible patterns that end up basically being like deliberate self-harm.

In any case, I am now at the point where I recognise these patterns, and eventually drag myself out of them using the usual tricks:

Making daily to-do lists and crossing them off

Walking outside every day, even on days working from home

Yoga every day

Cleaning every day

Regular exercise

Avoiding Twitter and news websites like the plague, and instead reading soft and comforting books

The vaguely irritating thing is that all this stuff actually works. Who would have thought that moving one's body, cleaning one's living space, and nourishing one's mind would lead to better mental health than spending the whole day scrolling Twitter and feeling furiously enraged about Brexit and Sarah Everard? (Sarcasm, obviously.)

Two other things that have done a huge amount in improving my mood are my resumption of regular swimming, and my visit to a physiotherapist to finally deal with the intense pain that I've been feeling since January whenever any pressure is put on my wrists and ankles. I have a high tolerance for pain and a rather stupid relationship with aches and pains in my body due to my history as a gymnast — my assumption is always to ignore the pain and assume it will eventually go away or I'll stop noticing it. Obviously, this is a bad attitude, and in this case was profoundly unhelpful.

The physio's diagnosis was pretty much Peak Ronni. There is, apparently, nothing actually wrong with my wrists and ankles. Rather, I am so utterly incapable of relaxing any muscle in my body that the tension in my arms and legs has caused this knock-on effect on my wrists and ankles. (This led to an amusing moment where the physio was trying to move my wrists to check they weren't injured, and kept telling me to relax my arms ... no, really relax he said, but I was incapable.) I'd kind of always known I did this, but it was good to have it confirmed by a medical professional.

And that's basically been my week. I'm sorry not to have responded to comments, or commented on people's posts, but I just haven't felt up to it.

In other news, the new premier of New South Wales is a) someone I went to university with (he was a perpetually failing student politician who — if memory serves — kept trying to get elected as the leader of the student union) and b) a raging homophobe and conservative Catholic. (It feels to me that we've sleep-walked into a situation where Australia's politicians are disproportionately conservative, fundamentalist Christians of various denominations, despite the fact that the country is extremely irreligious; the prime minister is a Pentecostal Christian who belongs to a church that believes in the prosperity gospel, and many of his cabinet are evangelicals as well.) So, we finally get someone of my generation into a position of political leadership ... and we end up with this guy? (I told my mother he went to uni with me, and she was like, how can he be your age? He has six children? Well, he's older than me, but younger than Matthias. The six kids are, of course, the consequence of conservative Catholicism.)

This feels like a negative note on which to end this post, so I'll leave you instead with a photo of the cathedral hidden in the mist.

Comments

[likeadeuce]

It's nice to hear from you! Sorry it's been a rough time but I'm glad you've found some things to comfort you.

[dolorosa_12]

Thank you! I’m glad to be back, and feeling better.

I’ve been meaning to say that I’m partway through your most recent Raven Cycle fic, and am enjoying it immensely! I’ve also really appreciated reading all your reactions to Leigh Bardugo’s books.

[likeadeuce]

That's very good to hear, and I'm glad you're enjoying the fic. That was an odd one to write because I spent a lot of time on research and wrote it over a few months, then I finally got to posting and the person who requested it disappeared so that was kind of a bummer (I know you're busy but at least give a shoutout??) But overall it was fun to work on and also to immerse myself in outdoors/ hiking culture a little. (I have done very minimal hiking despite my proximity to the Blue Ridge, but now I get all kinds of google alerts of hiking stories because of all the stuff I looked up!)

I've got such an odd relationship with the Grishaverse because I feel like I like learning about the stuff that happens there without being quite satisfied with the characters/plots that are the lens into it. Which feels kind of unfair to the writer's project, but I admit I'm hooked on wanting to know things.

[oracne]

I hope the PT was able to suggest some things to help with the pain.

[dolorosa_12]

He did! I’ve got exercises to do at home, and getting various therapies with him to try to make my muscles relax.

[luzula]

Hey, good for you taking better care of yourself. And welcome back. : )

Australia's politicians are disproportionately conservative, fundamentalist Christians of various denominations, despite the fact that the country is extremely irreligious

How did that happen? Sweden is very secular, and I can't imagine us electing fundamentalist Christians (not that we always make great choices otherwise).

[lilysea]

Rupert Murdoch owns most Australian commercial media, and he's been pushing politicians who are all about coal, and a lot of the
coal coal coal politicians are religious...

[dolorosa_12]

It’s partly explained by the dominance of the Murdoch press, as lilysea says, but I would argue that it’s also the consequence of the political right relying increasingly on culture war issues (rather than economic arguments) to rally their base and get their vote reliably. Things like scaremongering about immigrants, trans people, or ‘the global elite.’ This sort of stuff tends to go hand in hand with fundamentalist Christianity and cultural conservatism, so the consequence is the increasing success of politicians who have such beliefs.

I should also clarify that when I say ‘disproportionate’ I don’t mean that a majority of Australian politicians are Christian conservatives. But evangelical Christians are only 1 per cent of the Australian population, and yet 15 per cent of the current government (not everyone in parliament, just the governing party) are apparently evangelicals. That seems very disproportionate, in my opinion.

The other thing I would say is that American way of politicians talking about their religious beliefs constantly and making it a huge part of their campaign doesn’t happen in Australia. If any of those evangelicals talked constantly about their faith, it would be massively offputting to voters, even their base, so they don’t do it. But it underpins a lot of their political decisions, particularly around climate change (why do anything to prevent it if God has given you dominion over the Earth and the rapture’s going to happen anyway?) and the welfare state (if you believe in the prosperity gospel you believe that people who are poor or destitute have done something to deserve it).

[luzula]

Interesting! Thanks for explaining.

[corvidology]

I'm sorry you've been having a rough go of it.

I do the tensing up all over thing too resulting in knock-on problems.

[dolorosa_12]

Thanks — it’s definitely good to be back and feeling better.

I’m sorry you have similar problems with tense muscles — it’s really awful, and causes terrible knock-on problems, as you say (my teeth are a mess because I clench my jaw and grind my teeth in my sleep, for example).

[chestnut_pod]

Welcome back, and, as always, it's very nice to hear from you. I'm glad you have found some habits and actions that help!

[dolorosa_12]

Thanks! It’s good to be back, and let’s hope these habits hold.

[bruttimabuoni]

It's nice to see you back, and good to know you have actual coping strategies. But yeah, it's been tough, hasn't it? I have mainly been avoiding the world by playing Candy Crush which is a) stupid and b) not a healthy strategy at all and not one I've ever used before. Hey ho.

[dolorosa_12]

I think a lot of people have just hit the wall in terms of being able to cope with the constant barrage of awfulness that is the combination of Covid, Brexit, and the current government.

No shame in whatever strategy you're using to cope, but I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling wretched as well.

[charlottenewtons]

It's difficult not to get enraged by the news these days, I don't blame you for avoiding it.

[dolorosa_12]

I had to start avoiding the news around April 2019, when various Brexit deadlines were about to hit and I realised that the situation was stressing me out so much that it was making me physically ill. I then managed to avoid it completely for close to six months. Since then, it's been something of a revolving door, where I'll go for months in calm avoidance, something will make me crack (leading to days glued to Twitter and the Guardian's politics live feed), I'll end up having constant panic attacks or just feel really seethingly angry, and then I avoid the news for months on end again.

I used to feel a lot of guilt about this, because both my parents are journalists, several of my sisters and people in my stepfamily work in politics, and I used to be a journalist myself, so it's basically been drilled into me from birth that being deeply familiar with the day-to-day politics of one's country is a necessary part of being a socially responsible human being. But I just can't do it at the speed that it happens on Twitter/live feeds, with news unfolding at breakneck speed and wild speculation abounding before all the facts are known or analysed in depth, and news and opinion mixed and blurred together.

[charlottenewtons]

There's a lot of pressure to always stay informed and know what's going on (I imagine even more so if your family are journalists), but it just isn't feasible to process it at the speed it comes on social media I've found. Especially because as you says it's often news and opinions mixed together.

I deleted my twitter last year and stopped looking at facebook and most news websites and felt a lot better for it. I only dip in and out of it now and stop if I can feel it starting to stress me out.

[merit]

Another conservative Christian 'selected' to lead again /deep sigh/ one of twelve and his dad works for the World Bank which is an interesting combination. Of course, I now realise that /Queensland/ has started to legalise voluntary euthanasia before NSW.

Well, under the current system, people would have to join politics parties to try and counter-stack branches against conservative Christians. Also, yes, very weird and very six degrees.

[dolorosa_12]

Of course, I now realise that /Queensland/ has started to legalise voluntary euthanasia before NSW.

My NSW state MP is a progressive independent whose pet policy is the campaign for legalising voluntary euthanasia, so as you can imagine, he's absolutely devastated. I hadn't realised that Queensland was making progress in this area though — that's great!

Well, under the current system, people would have to join politics parties to try and counter-stack branches against conservative Christians.

But then you'd have to join (and pay membership fees) to the Liberal Party. Ugh.

[merit]

Queensland recently passed legislation - I checked, and it was 60 to 29 so fairly overwhelming. It'll start in January 2023 though.

Yeah, and the day I voluntarily give money to the Liberal Party...

[trepkos]

So, is the inability to relax muscles related to being a gymnast?

[dolorosa_12]

I suspect that's part of it, but it's due to a lot of things (anxiety, weakness in certain areas of my body which the tensed muscles are overcompensating for, etc).

[lirazel]

I'm sorry you were in a funk but I'm glad you're clawing your way back out! That's a big accomplishment!

[dolorosa_12]

Thank you!

[schneefink]

Fingers crossed the PT (and maybe the swimming?) will help with the pain!

[dolorosa_12]

It's all proving useful so far, although the physio is also showing me how far I've fallen in terms of joint weakness, using other muscles to compensate for said weakness (which then causes increased pain and tension), and the complete inability to isolate motion to my wrists and ankles when required.