Beyond Selidor

...I am TERRIFIED. When Mimi left for work today, I felt sick with misery that I won't be there when she gets home. Right now I just feel numb, the result of feeling every emotion, from delirious joy to heart-stopping terror, all at once, for the past two weeks. I've said goodbye to so many people recently, and each time it's been worse and worse: the Usydgroup gang about a month ago, Dad, Alice, Kitty and Nell soon after that (and that *hurt*, because you miss so much of children's lives if you're away for even six months), then the Canberra crowd (including E., whom I've known since kindergarten, and K., whom I've known since I was eight and she was six), then Raphael, about a week ago. Then there was the family farewell. When my grandparents left, I started sobbing. Then anya_1984 came over yesterday, and it was really painful to say goodbye. We've been through so much together. I remember her from the first day of high school, when, by default of our surnames, we were in the same contact group. As she said, "it seems so much more final with you, than it does with christmas_evey when she goes". christmas_evey has a wandering soul. I do not, hence the finality.

Then Mimi went off to work and I felt like I wasn't going to be able to cope. Mimi. We've been best friends since I was six and she was two. (Before that, I resented her as all older sibling resent the interlopers.) We're at once incredibly different and incredibly similar. What I'll miss most is having someone around who'll get all my references, who shares my sense of humour completely.

I suspect I'm going to be even worse when I say goodbye to Mum at the airport.

My eyes are open: I know this is an incredibly opportunity, a great adventure, and something necessary for the health of my soul. But that doesn't mean that I can't feel miserable and terrified about it at the same time. I'm wading through the Rubicon, and I'll let you know when I've made it to the other side.