dolorosa_12: (pagan kidrouk)
One reason I've thoroughly enjoyed my postgrad years while finding undergrad a bit of an unmitigated disaster is that I have the good fortune here in Cambridge to be a member of a really wonderful department that seems to know exactly what to do to make socialising easy for people who might otherwise find it a bit difficult. I was always really jealous of my sciencey friends at Sydney Uni because their faculty seemed to be much better at organising stuff for its students to do, whereas Arts students were left to fend for themselves. (Most people I knew in Arts who had close friends in that faculty tended to have met them through other things, such as student politics, student journalism, improv theatre or religious groups.) I did make Arts friends eventually, but it took me about two years.* I was so awkward about talking to people when there wasn't some kind of structured purpose to our conversation that social events were a nightmare. But it struck me, as I sat in today's medieval Irish reading group, that our department is absolutely packed with structured, purposeful fun for all its students, and this really helps ease everyone in to friendship. (Our department is also odd for Cambridge in that students tend to socialise with one another, rather than with people who study different things but live in the same college.) This is what we have:

For postgrads
1. Weekly reading groups for all the languages we study (medieval Irish, medieval Welsh, Old English and Old Norse), where we get together and translate a text set by someone in the group;

2. Weekly conversation group for Modern Irish, where students meet up in a pub and talk Irish for a while. The Irish teacher also organises regular film nights with Irish-language films;

3. Grad pub night every Monday after the weekly seminar;

4. Palaeography reading group, organised informally by one of my friends who specialises in that subject;

5. Informal German conversation group (I'm not entirely sure, but I think people who are interested in other modern languages have organised similar things);

6. Greek reading group, although I think that may have stopped now;

7. Annual cocktail party held in our departmental common room at the end of the academic year.

For everyone, but mainly attended by undergrads
1. Weekly lunch held in the departmental common room;

2. Weekly pub night.

There also used to be people who organised semi-regular screenings of medieval-type films, but that seems to have stopped happening recently. Once a year we have a black tie dinner held at one of the colleges (which is a little expensive, but still well attended), and a garden party (which is free). And of course everyone organises informal, one-off events on top of all this. But my point is that there is plenty for everyone, mostly it's free (or extremely cheap - the departmental lunch costs about £2, if I remember correctly), and although people in my field tend on the whole to be fond of a drink, there are things to do that don't involve alcohol.

Medievalists are a nerdy, socially awkward bunch on the whole, but the way things have been set up in my department, this never feels like a hindrance. I went around during undergrad thinking there was something profoundly wrong with me because I rarely felt comfortable at any social event. Here, I not only feel comfortable, I feel wanted, and have done since the beginning. I am so grateful to have met them.

_________________
* To be fair, that was partly because I had depression, and it's really hard to be friends with someone who has depression.
dolorosa_12: (noviana una)
I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to talking about myself online, and so I see no point in holding back, or hiding what I'm about to say here behind friends-lock.* And I'm listening to The Sounds, which is my go-to 'Getting Stuff Done and Being Generally Awesome' music, so it's high time I got this off my chest.

1. While I do have good days and get a great deal of enjoyment out of life (my boyfriend visited me over the weekend and I had a marvellous time), lately, the bad days have been outnumbering the good quite significantly.

2. I can't sleep at all. I have very little desire to do anything. (Biggest warning sign: I lose all interest in cooking and eating, which is generally something that gives me a great deal of pleasure and has a calming effect.) And I go through the day feeling as if all light has been sucked out of the world, as if everything is broken and can never be fixed again. I feel powerless and hopeless. On the worst days, I can barely muster the willpower to have a shower or get dressed.

3. There are various reasons for this. Most of you know that I went to counselling and a group assertiveness course a couple of years back. While the decision to do this was prompted by two very specific events (both of which I've alluded to here over the years but never spelt out explicitly, although I've told a lot of people who read here the details elsewhere and would be happy to do so to those of you who are curious, via PM), it was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time and I found it very helpful.

4. However, there are various shitty things in my life - including said counselling-prompting events - which just refuse to go away. I wonder now if they'll ever go away, or if I'll ever stop feeling affected by them. What I really need is more long-term counselling, but that isn't possible until I get back to Cambridge in August, so until then, I have to find ways to manage this. After walking around in town earlier today and thinking, I came up with the following strategies:

5. First and foremost, I must make time for healthy living. I have to get my sleep pattern back on schedule. I need to make time for exercise every morning, I need to eat more fruit and spend more time preparing food. You'll notice that all these things are kind of interrelated; the reason why I haven't been exercising in the mornings is because I've been so tired from lack of sleep, and the reason why I can't sleep at night is that I haven't been exercising.

6. I thrive on lists and schedules, and I think it would be helpful to me to make a list of everything I want to achieve the next day every night and tick them off one by one.

7. It is with a mixture of regret and relief that I have decided I'm going to stay off Tumblr until at least the end of May. It's partly because Tumblr has a kind of hypnotic 'staying up with the blue screen glow' power, and I will sometimes log on there and three hours later find myself in a kind of dazed reblogging forever loop. But it's mainly because last night and today's depression has been brought on by two very specific posts on Tumblr, posts by people that I don't want to unfollow, but which upset me so much that I wasn't able to stop thinking about them all night and all of today. They were - I don't want to say 'triggering', because they weren't triggering exactly, but although they weren't directed at me (indeed, they were posts by people who don't follow me) I was so hurt by them that I have been basically unable to function for the past 15 hours. And thus:

8. I pride myself in my ability to look on injustice and horrors, to allow myself to feel outrage instead of only focusing on the positive aspects of life, but I think for the next little while, I'm going to have to turn away, to look away, to avert my eyes.** Because I know exactly what sort of things set me off, and yet I can't trust myself not to go searching for them.

9. I'm putting this all out there in the public because I'm hoping that if I talk about it publicly, it will shame me into following my own advice.

10. I have a yoga class tonight. And it will make everything better. Right?

_________________
*And it is due to my privilege that I'm able to do so. I am safe to do so. Many people are not.
**And again, it is due to my privilege that I am able to do so. Many people cannot avert their eyes, because it is their everyday existence.

Some music

Oct. 19th, 2008 01:38 pm
dolorosa_12: (spike)
Make of this combination what you will.








(Ignore the stupid LotR clip that accompanies it.)







(Acoustic version of 'All Systems Red'.)




(The remix I have is better...)

Some music

Oct. 19th, 2008 01:38 pm
dolorosa_12: (spike)
Make of this combination what you will.








(Ignore the stupid LotR clip that accompanies it.)







(Acoustic version of 'All Systems Red'.)




(The remix I have is better...)

Profile

dolorosa_12: (Default)
a million times a trillion more

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