The girl and the sea
May. 10th, 2012 03:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dolorosa_12I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to talking about myself online, and so I see no point in holding back, or hiding what I'm about to say here behind friends-lock.* And I'm listening to The Sounds, which is my go-to 'Getting Stuff Done and Being Generally Awesome' music, so it's high time I got this off my chest.
1. While I do have good days and get a great deal of enjoyment out of life (my boyfriend visited me over the weekend and I had a marvellous time), lately, the bad days have been outnumbering the good quite significantly.
2. I can't sleep at all. I have very little desire to do anything. (Biggest warning sign: I lose all interest in cooking and eating, which is generally something that gives me a great deal of pleasure and has a calming effect.) And I go through the day feeling as if all light has been sucked out of the world, as if everything is broken and can never be fixed again. I feel powerless and hopeless. On the worst days, I can barely muster the willpower to have a shower or get dressed.
3. There are various reasons for this. Most of you know that I went to counselling and a group assertiveness course a couple of years back. While the decision to do this was prompted by two very specific events (both of which I've alluded to here over the years but never spelt out explicitly, although I've told a lot of people who read here the details elsewhere and would be happy to do so to those of you who are curious, via PM), it was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time and I found it very helpful.
4. However, there are various shitty things in my life - including said counselling-prompting events - which just refuse to go away. I wonder now if they'll ever go away, or if I'll ever stop feeling affected by them. What I really need is more long-term counselling, but that isn't possible until I get back to Cambridge in August, so until then, I have to find ways to manage this. After walking around in town earlier today and thinking, I came up with the following strategies:
5. First and foremost, I must make time for healthy living. I have to get my sleep pattern back on schedule. I need to make time for exercise every morning, I need to eat more fruit and spend more time preparing food. You'll notice that all these things are kind of interrelated; the reason why I haven't been exercising in the mornings is because I've been so tired from lack of sleep, and the reason why I can't sleep at night is that I haven't been exercising.
6. I thrive on lists and schedules, and I think it would be helpful to me to make a list of everything I want to achieve the next day every night and tick them off one by one.
7. It is with a mixture of regret and relief that I have decided I'm going to stay off Tumblr until at least the end of May. It's partly because Tumblr has a kind of hypnotic 'staying up with the blue screen glow' power, and I will sometimes log on there and three hours later find myself in a kind of dazed reblogging forever loop. But it's mainly because last night and today's depression has been brought on by two very specific posts on Tumblr, posts by people that I don't want to unfollow, but which upset me so much that I wasn't able to stop thinking about them all night and all of today. They were - I don't want to say 'triggering', because they weren't triggering exactly, but although they weren't directed at me (indeed, they were posts by people who don't follow me) I was so hurt by them that I have been basically unable to function for the past 15 hours. And thus:
8. I pride myself in my ability to look on injustice and horrors, to allow myself to feel outrage instead of only focusing on the positive aspects of life, but I think for the next little while, I'm going to have to turn away, to look away, to avert my eyes.** Because I know exactly what sort of things set me off, and yet I can't trust myself not to go searching for them.
9. I'm putting this all out there in the public because I'm hoping that if I talk about it publicly, it will shame me into following my own advice.
10. I have a yoga class tonight. And it will make everything better. Right?
_________________
*And it is due to my privilege that I'm able to do so. I am safe to do so. Many people are not.
**And again, it is due to my privilege that I am able to do so. Many people cannot avert their eyes, because it is their everyday existence.
1. While I do have good days and get a great deal of enjoyment out of life (my boyfriend visited me over the weekend and I had a marvellous time), lately, the bad days have been outnumbering the good quite significantly.
2. I can't sleep at all. I have very little desire to do anything. (Biggest warning sign: I lose all interest in cooking and eating, which is generally something that gives me a great deal of pleasure and has a calming effect.) And I go through the day feeling as if all light has been sucked out of the world, as if everything is broken and can never be fixed again. I feel powerless and hopeless. On the worst days, I can barely muster the willpower to have a shower or get dressed.
3. There are various reasons for this. Most of you know that I went to counselling and a group assertiveness course a couple of years back. While the decision to do this was prompted by two very specific events (both of which I've alluded to here over the years but never spelt out explicitly, although I've told a lot of people who read here the details elsewhere and would be happy to do so to those of you who are curious, via PM), it was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time and I found it very helpful.
4. However, there are various shitty things in my life - including said counselling-prompting events - which just refuse to go away. I wonder now if they'll ever go away, or if I'll ever stop feeling affected by them. What I really need is more long-term counselling, but that isn't possible until I get back to Cambridge in August, so until then, I have to find ways to manage this. After walking around in town earlier today and thinking, I came up with the following strategies:
5. First and foremost, I must make time for healthy living. I have to get my sleep pattern back on schedule. I need to make time for exercise every morning, I need to eat more fruit and spend more time preparing food. You'll notice that all these things are kind of interrelated; the reason why I haven't been exercising in the mornings is because I've been so tired from lack of sleep, and the reason why I can't sleep at night is that I haven't been exercising.
6. I thrive on lists and schedules, and I think it would be helpful to me to make a list of everything I want to achieve the next day every night and tick them off one by one.
7. It is with a mixture of regret and relief that I have decided I'm going to stay off Tumblr until at least the end of May. It's partly because Tumblr has a kind of hypnotic 'staying up with the blue screen glow' power, and I will sometimes log on there and three hours later find myself in a kind of dazed reblogging forever loop. But it's mainly because last night and today's depression has been brought on by two very specific posts on Tumblr, posts by people that I don't want to unfollow, but which upset me so much that I wasn't able to stop thinking about them all night and all of today. They were - I don't want to say 'triggering', because they weren't triggering exactly, but although they weren't directed at me (indeed, they were posts by people who don't follow me) I was so hurt by them that I have been basically unable to function for the past 15 hours. And thus:
8. I pride myself in my ability to look on injustice and horrors, to allow myself to feel outrage instead of only focusing on the positive aspects of life, but I think for the next little while, I'm going to have to turn away, to look away, to avert my eyes.** Because I know exactly what sort of things set me off, and yet I can't trust myself not to go searching for them.
9. I'm putting this all out there in the public because I'm hoping that if I talk about it publicly, it will shame me into following my own advice.
10. I have a yoga class tonight. And it will make everything better. Right?
_________________
*And it is due to my privilege that I'm able to do so. I am safe to do so. Many people are not.
**And again, it is due to my privilege that I am able to do so. Many people cannot avert their eyes, because it is their everyday existence.
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no subject
Date: 2012-05-10 01:45 pm (UTC)hi
Don't feel bad or the need to be 'shamed' from taking a break from being on the front lines - you need to take care of yourself. That's nothing to be ashamed of.
I know that we don't know each other well (though I would like too :)), I went through an....abusive childhood/adolescence so I know about triggers and counselling sessions/stuff. So, if you ever want to rant/vent/talk, I'm here :-). I don't know what it is that affected you so much (and I don't want to pressure you into telling me either - that has to come in time, if at all).It is to your credit that you are self-aware enough to know when to take a break/know your bad habits and most importantly: how to get back on track.
I'm just going to pass on a tip I was given when I was in deep depression/crazy: to make a list of mundane things, like 'shower', 'put on socks', 'grocery shopping' etc, so it feels as if you have completed something.
And if you do break it down like that and are overwhelmed by the length of the list, make 1. 'get out of bed' 2. 'shower', 3.'dress' and when that is done, THEN write your to-do list for the rest of the day.
So, make of that what you will. :-)
I am going to take your advice - I have been having the same problem.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-10 02:07 pm (UTC)I am so sorry that you went through that abuse. Although you probably know this already, what happened to you was wrong and not your fault. (I feel people don't say this enough, so I try to make up for that by saying it whenever it's necessary.) The events that I'm alluding to were different, although I was bullied in primary and secondary school, and I view the later events as being the culmination of a lifetime of people taking advantage of my rather passive and lacking-in-the-ability-to-be-assertive personality.
It's not that I feel I don't know you well enough - you seem like a very interesting and genuine person and I too would like to get to know you better - but rather that I don't feel comfortable spelling stuff out explicitly on the blog, which I don't lock and which anyone can read. I'm completely comfortable with anyone on my flist knowing, though. So whenever I talk about this - which I do quite often - I always make this same offer, that people can ask me via PM and I would be happy to tell them.
That is a helpful tip with regard to the lists. I am just about to go into the mountains behind my house and sit there and write the list for tomorrow, and I think I will include the things that you mention.
I'm sorry to hear you're not doing so well right now. I'm happy to talk to you if you need it, although I'd rather take it to your blog or to PMs, as (as I mentioned before) my blog isn't locked and so anyone could read it.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-14 12:49 pm (UTC)Sorry I took so long to respond, I've been ill.
I agree with not sharing such personal stuff on the blog - mine is not protected either. So, i would appreciate a PM - but only if/when you feel strong enough for it (so I can be better equipped to help you through it when you need it ). I have no idea how to work LJ - not even a PM. How stupid is that?! I tend to just lurk or read fics.
I was wondering - what do you read to make yourself feel better? Poetry? Which books?
I was also wanting your opinion on Neil Gaiman. Have you read anything by him? I was hoping to start (I have Fragile Things, one of his bus of short stories that I am reading now) but am overwhelmed as he has a lot of stuff!
no subject
Date: 2012-05-11 12:08 am (UTC)have you tried meditation?
no subject
Date: 2012-05-11 06:11 am (UTC)I sometimes think that most of what I do is motivated by fear or shame - the fear of letting other people down, or letting myself down. You are right that I need to stop doing that, but right now I can't afford to think like that.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-11 08:37 am (UTC)One thing I try to remember with yoga is that in that space you are just YOU. You're not competing to be the world's most flexible person, the most serene meditator or the person who can do all of their high to low push ups on their toes.
Any instructor who tells you otherwise is stoopido.
no subject
Date: 2012-05-11 10:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-16 06:18 am (UTC)They also tell you in classes not to be too hard on yourself, as each practice is different. Your body will do different things at different times... so just be in the moment, letting yourself be where you are. Sorry sounds a bit drippy, but its true! :-)
no subject
Date: 2012-05-11 12:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-11 06:12 am (UTC)