Black and white visions, in echoed halls

[dolorosa_12]

I'm not having a good week, or really a good month.



I feel, rather irrationally, invisible, and I can't figure out why. Nothing much has changed in my life from one month to the next, so I'm confused as to why what felt normal (and indeed even welcome) about lockdown life in December (November, October, September, etc) suddenly feels intolerable in February.

It may just be the accumulated months, and the weather. February is the worst month of the year in the UK, in my opinion.

I opened up Zoom to teach a class yesterday and suddenly had this intense and overwhelming realisation that I did not want to be teaching the class online, and that I wanted to be in a classroom with all the students. This was the first time I'd had such a thought in eleven months of teaching throughout the pandemic, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. It was an incredibly distracting and intrusive feeling, and it made it really hard to keep my train of thought throughout the class.

Our only friends who live in this town are likely to be moving soon, as one half of the couple has just got a new job, and they'll eventually be moving. They've basically been our entire Cambridge-and-surrounds in-person social life for the past two or so years, and although I knew they were looking to leave in the near future, I didn't expect it to be so sudden. Due to the pandemic we haven't seen that much of them in the past year, and I had been looking forward to being back in the same town, but sadly since we moved in December the extent of that has been ... them dropping off food on our doorstep.

I've always maintained that I'm a homebody — working from home delighted me, and I don't tend to need a very extensive in-person social circle — but something about our friends' impending move away hit me very forcefully. They're basically the last remaining people from the group of friends I made during my postgraduate student years in Cambridge — the time of my life, which (overlapping with the years I first went online and became part of fandom) kind of saved me. So I guess I can see why the whole thing is bringing up a lot of difficult feelings.

Compared with last year, I also feel like I'm completely drained of the joy and energy which led me to be so chatty and present here on Dreamwidth. People who've been around for a while might have notice the lack of Friday open threads, minimal comments from me on their posts, and a complete inability to respond to comments in what I feel is a timely manner. I feel like a ghost, haunting the corridors of Dreamwidth, drifting from post to post, imperceptible and silent.

I don't really know what to do about all this stuff. I had a long and mopey FaceTime call with my mother and sister this morning, during which time they gave exactly the advice I would have predicted from both of them (my mum: join some kind of group devoted to a specific hobby, and meet people that way; my sister: here is this meditation app that I use). I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't feel in the frame of mind where either of these things would be helpful (from past experience, trying to expand your limited social circle when you're feeling mopey and down about yourself as a person is a recipe for disaster).

I want to go swimming. I want to walk among the trees, in the sunshine. I want to feel the community and connection of a lively comments section here on Dreamwidth. And until I can do these things, I think I'm going to continue to feel invisible, ghostly, and diminished.

Comments

[naye]

I hope you know that your presence is a delight, and that there is no such thing as "timeliness" in when/if you respond to posts and comments.

I also know that internalizing that other people are fine with things that you feel you are not doing "right" is really, really difficult, so I'm not expecting you to take that as a "cheer up, you can fix this!" comment, but as a "we'll be here when you have the energy to spend". ♥

Friends leaving sucks, the pandemic sucks, February in Britain sucks - there really IS a lot to be bringing you down.

Hoping spring will bring color back into your life. *hugs*

[dolorosa_12]

Oh naye, this was so nice to read!

I do know that you're all here for me, but it's good to be reminded.

*hugs*

[ambyr]

I hear you. I've been feeling pretty ghostly myself.

[dolorosa_12]

I'm really sorry to hear it. It's just a dreadful time all around, I think.

[nyctanthes]

Apparently there is a pandemic wall. I know I hit it, sometime in January. And February sure isn't helping.

want to go swimming. I want to walk among the trees, in the sunshine. I want to feel the community and connection of a lively comments section here on Dreamwidth. And until I can do these things, I think I'm going to continue to feel invisible, ghostly, and diminished.

Yes. And :: hugs :: No advice, just that we'll be here, when you return to full strength.

[worlds_of_smoke]

Apparently there is a pandemic wall. I know I hit it, sometime in January. And February sure isn't helping.

Yeah, I've heard about this too.

I'm sorry (both of) you are dealing with this.

[dolorosa_12]

It does make sense. It was so sudden — I'd been coping (indeed, thriving) throughout the pandemic, and then suddenly, bang: wall of depression.

I'm sorry (both of) you are dealing with this.

Thank you.

[dolorosa_12]

A pandemic wall sounds about right. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through something similar — it's just awful.

*hugs*

[corvidology]

Even for homebodies, this has all been going on so long we're down to our last nerve.♥

[dolorosa_12]

Indeed. (And sorry to hear that you're experiencing something similar.)

[regshoe]

The accumulated months are certainly getting a bit much, and that does all sound hard. I'm sorry <3

[dolorosa_12]

<3

I think if it were just a bit sunnier I could probably cope. The cold, mud, and grey skies really aren't helping.

[senmut]

+hugs+

[dolorosa_12]

*hugs*

[montfelisky]

Your posts are always a delight to find in my feed and I am very sympathetic to the feeling of being invisible, ghostly, and diminished.

I think it must be very strange to have anchor friends moving away, especially now, when you haven't been able to properly enjoy their presence in your life for quite some time.

And February in this country is just such a SLOG. <3

[dolorosa_12]

Awww, this was such a nice comment to read! Objectively, I know that people are here for me, but it's nice to be reminded from time to time (and the comments on this post have really done a lot to lift my spirits).

'Anchor friends' is such a good way to put it: that is exactly what they are, and their leaving will unmoor me.

nd February in this country is just such a SLOG.

Tell me about it! I've lived here for so long, and every year I forget just how much I loathe this month.

I'm sorry to hear that you're also going through something similar. <3

[montfelisky]

Oh I am so glad! You are very much one of the highlights of my feed - your posts are always so satisfying to read. <3

'Anchor friends' is such a good way to put it: that is exactly what they are, and their leaving will unmoor me.

I have known this feeling. It is a very strange one, and I cannot imagine experiencing it in a pandemic and at this time. <3

I am just holding fast to the idea of spring, at this point. February is my least favourite month because it is warmer and greyer than any preceding months.

[likeadeuce]

That sounds very hard, I'm sorry. It's a lot to deal with at once I hope you find a way to go forward and meet your needs. But also it's okay to not be okay.

[dolorosa_12]

Thank you so much! I feel a bit guilty, because objectively I've had a pretty easy pandemic. But feelings are irrational, I suppose.

The comments on this post, and various weekend activities have already done a lot to lift my spirits, so I'm (hopefully) on the way to feeling a lot better.

[superborb]

It's hard, especially since I feel like it's a vicious cycle -- you feel invisible and withdraw a bit, then you aren't interacting with people and feel more invisible...

[dolorosa_12]

That's exactly it — and obviously in-person interaction isn't possible at all at the moment.

[schneefink]

*hugs*

[dolorosa_12]

*hugs*

[rmc28]

You are worth knowing as you are, in good times and in bad, when chatty and lively and when sad and tired.

This time of year is always a bit hard for a lot of people: the New Year is long ago and spring seems a long way off, and it's extra-hard under pandemic conditions

[dolorosa_12]

That's exactly it — and I forget, every year, how much I hate this month (even in non-pandemic times).

You are worth knowing as you are, in good times and in bad, when chatty and lively and when sad and tired.

<3

[kore]

There is def a pandemic wall, I think I hit it last month. Maybe it is partly the post-holiday season post-Trump-horror-show timing?

//offers hugs and tea

[dolorosa_12]

I'm really sorry to hear you've also hit your pandemic wall — there seems to be a lot of that going around, if the comments here are any indication.

*hugs back, drinks tea*

[kore]

I forgot -- T also pointed out to me, that on top of post-holidaze letdown and general February malaise and the combined relief Trump is gone, plus the horror at the Capitol riot -- that it's ALSO close to the anniversary of the pandemic happening for a lot of people -- last year on February 29 was when the first person in my state died of covid. And anniversaries in general are hard, and first-year anniversaries are really bad a lot of the time for people.

[bruttimabuoni]

I feel like somewhere in the last few months we lost sight of how hard this is. All of it is unnatural and difficult. A lot of us have done pretty okay, maybe better than expected, for a while. But it's been a long, long, long time and we're fraying. There's not a lot to say, in the way of news. It's hard to reach out just to say the same things over an over. I'm sorry it's tough for you at the moment. But spring is coming, I promise.

[dolorosa_12]

What you say is so wise, and so true. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar.

[chestnut_pod]

Accumulated months are a lot; there's no "just" about it, or doesn't have to be -- it's been hard and long and awful.

Though you're a new acquaintance for me, I have been buoyed up many times by your posts and comments, even in their apparently reduced state. And we will be here when you're ready to be here too.

[dolorosa_12]

Awww, this was such a kind comment to read — thank you so much!

I feel guilty because I've had a relatively easy pandemic (insofar as this is easy for anyone), and it feels like I'm complaining about nothing. It's good to be reminded that this is a tough time for a lot of people.

[chestnut_pod]

It definitely has been!

[cahn]

It's hard! I went through a period of time last year where I just kind of retreated from everyone and everything, including friendships and communities, unless it was a preexisting commitment that I'd said I'd do. I'd never done anything like this before and it shocked me that I was having such a hard time, because I'm a super introvert. But super introverts need people too. And it's tough when getting even the minimal is so difficult.

I don't know what the answer is. In my case, Yuletide (which was one of those things I'd "said I'd do") kind of got me out of the rut, I think, but I'm not even sure how (I didn't spend the time on it I usually do). Maybe just by being different from the rest of my life, but there were a lot of other things that were different too and didn't help. I think sometimes one has to live with it, a bit, and have faith that one day spring will come, the vaccine will be delivered, DW community will still be here when you're ready, fic exchanges will keep going. Or something?

[dolorosa_12]

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through such a difficult time last year — that sounds really hard and confronting. It's nice to hear that you were able to climb out of it — Yuletide is such a bright spot (it's one of my favourite things about December), so it doesn't surprise me that it was such a help to you.

And yes, thank you for the reminder that better days are coming. Just reading all the comments on this post has done a huge amount to lift my spirits, and I've got to hold onto that feeling, and sense of community.

[pauraque]

I've been having similar feelings and likewise having a harder time being as present in online communities as I would like to be. And, of course, right now there aren't in-person alternatives, so that means not being present anywhere at all, which isn't a great way to feel connected and engaged.

[dolorosa_12]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through something similar — it's awful, isn't it?

[luzula]

Hi there, I see you! *waves* Well, at least I see you on the internet.

I think I'm okay so far, pandemic-wise, but yeah, we've got the whole spring to go. : /

[dolorosa_12]

<3

I'm glad you're going fine so far. I was kind of shocked at how bad I felt, because, as I say, I'd been going fine throughout the whole pandemic. And then suddenly it was as if I hit a wall, and everything was awful.

I think things will be easier in the spring.

[morbane]

I'm sure you're enough for your friends, but I hope lengthening days and circumstances restore you to being enough for yourself soon.

[dolorosa_12]

Thank you so much! Even just reading the comments on this post has been immensely helpful, and knowing spring is around the corner helps a lot, too.

[falena]

I'm only now catching up... Your absence was keenly felt on here. And I'm saying this most emphatically NOT to pile on the guilt, but only to remind you that you make DW a better place. I hope you'll feel better soon. These are such hard times and I think you guys in the UK, and especially expats like you, really have it worse than most. *hugs*

[dolorosa_12]

Awww, thank you so much, that’s such an immensely kind thing to say! I must say that the comments on this post really did a lot to improve my mood.

The pandemic has not been kind to anyone. I know you hit your own wall a while ago, and I’m sorry you’re also struggling.

*hugs*

[lokifan]

I've definitely found this lockdown MUCH harder than anything previously, and that's despite pretty much living in lockdown-mode since last March. For my mum and at least one sister, too.

And friends moving suuuucks :/

Sending support!!