Friday open thread: unlearnt life skills

[dolorosa_12]

Greetings from another Friday on Catastrophe Brexit Island. The mists have rolled back in, I've been swimming this morning, and I picked up a very nice cup of takeaway coffee on the way home, but unfortunately these kinds of small pleasures aren't enough to distract from the ongoing slow-motion car crash that is British politics.

However, life must go on, and so I bring you another prompting question for this week's open thread:

Is there any life skill you wished you learnt (as a child, as a young adult, at some unspecified point in the past) but for some reason never did? How would this skill have helped you in your day-to-day life? (Please feel free to interpret 'life skill' in whatever way you like.)



My answer to this question is sewing — specifically, sewing items of clothing from scratch, using a sewing machine. I grew up with a mother who had never learnt this skill herself (she came from a generation where all girls were taught to sew at school, but proudly told me that my grandmother had done all her sewing assignments/homework for her and she never learnt a thing) and was for this reason unable to teach it to her own daughters. Weirdly, she did know how to knit and knitted almost all the jumpers and cardigans my sister and I wore as small children. She and my dad have fairly basic sewing repair skills (like sewing a button, fixing small tears), and I did learn these things myself, but I can't do them neatly and my RSI makes it very hard to hold and thread a needle.

Obviously I could have learnt how to sew another way, but there was no opportunity at school and therefore I would have had to pay someone to teach me, and do so during my free time, and this never really seemed like a worthwhile thing to do. However, I still regret not knowing how to sew, because sewing my own clothes would be cheaper, and I would be free to make things in styles that fitted me properly and suited me, rather than being beholden to whatever cut of dress or skirt the fashion industry deems in style in any given year. (There have been large swathes of time in my adult life — think periods of five or ten years — when every cut of dress and skirt, and sometimes even jumper or shirt has been deeply unflattering and virtually unwearable. As for trousers, I haven't worn trousers (other than leggings and pyjamas) since about 2004.)

Weirdly enough, I have a cousin the same age as me who is a sewing expert. She has two children and makes all their clothes, and loads of clothes for herself. She was taught by her mother (one of my mother's younger sisters, who is really talented at all kinds of crafts). However, this cousin has often vocally complained that her mother never taught her how to cook, and that she struggles with this particular life skill. For my part, my parents are incredible cooks, my sister and I were in the kitchen basically since we were able to stand up, and have been capable of cooking independently since we were about ten years old. It's funny how life works out — the things you pick up as a child as 'crucial life skills' tend to be the things your own parents value, and the stuff they perceive as tedious and unimportant fall by the wayside.

Comments

[yarnofariadne]

It's sewing for me as well! My grandmother sews and a great many of my outfits as a child were made by her. She never taught any of her children to sew, and in turn my mother never taught me. But I've recently acquired my own secondhand sewing machine and I'm trying to teach myself to use it. It's honestly not going so hot thus far, but I'm determined. I want to make my own clothes and be able to tailor the ones I already have, and that desire is motivating me to keep trying.

[dolorosa_12]

A lot of people answering here have also said sewing — it seems to be a really common skill that just fell by the wayside at some point. Well done you for making an effort to learn — as you say, the benefits will be immense.

[mific]

I wish I'd learned to enjoy doing some sort of regular exercise every day. I grew up before jogging was a thing, or gyms, except for boxing or specific sports clubs, and I never developed it as a habit that was self-sustaining. Doing any sort of regular exercise has always been a struggle, and often hasn't happened.

[likeadeuce]

I was just thinking about this today. If you didn't play a sport no one cared.

[dolorosa_12]

It's interesting you should mention this, because you made me realise that I learnt this skill almost without noticing as a child (in much the same way as one learns how to walk or talk), and then had to relearn it again as an adult, with a great deal of conscious effort.

If you're interested, I can tell you what ultimately ended up working for me (although I'm probably going to write a full post on it anyway), but I realise you may not be looking for advice and rather just wanting to vent, so no worries if it's the latter.

[mific]

Sure, very interested, but I can wait for the post if you plan to make one.

[dolorosa_12]

Cool, in that case I'll just write the post at some point this weekend.

[blackcatofmisery]

There are so many life skills my generation and younger would've been taught in school, if funding wasn't cut to the arts and specifically home economics courses. Basic cooking, sewing, how to pay bills, managing bank accounts, car maintenance, social etiquette, phone etiquette and writing proper letters... I know it changed a lot over time. It started out as a college course, fun fact, and what remains now is more a cooking class than anything else, but these were still taught in school. Now, kids learn how to do things from their parents or, more commonly in my experience, on the fly as young adults.

=^..^=~

[dolorosa_12]

You're so right. It's interesting you should mention letter writing, because I was taught this in primary school, not as a specific class, but as activities associated with larger social studies classes (like, we'd get an assignment to write a letter from the perspective of someone living through the Australian gold rush or whatever). It was also really common at my school to have international penpals — over the course of my primary and secondary school years, I had eight different Japanese penpals — and that helped learning letter writing etiquette. Phone etiquette I was taught by my parents — we had a landline, and my sister and I were expected to answer the phone if we were the closest person when it rang — and also through the weekend job I had as a teenager (working in a bakery/chocolate shop). I wonder if it was easier to pick these sorts of things up when it was still fairly common to write letters and have landlines. I grew up in the 1990s, and I guess that was something of a transitional period.

It really would be better if a lot of these skills were taught in school, since not all parents are going to have the time or inclination to teach their kids.

[blackcatofmisery]

I'm also a 90s kid. I do remember a grade school history assignment involving writing a letter from a certain perspective, but I don't remember any instruction on how to format it or anything. I only learned that in a college course.

But practical application is important. Some things can be picked up just from being in the environment. Nowadays, there's more texting than direct phone calls. Emails more than letters. There's a question of "why bother?" when the alternative cuts out that more direct interaction or whatever. Why learn to cook when I can order a kit? I don't need to know how to change a tire because I have roadside service. Et cetera~~~ A lot of parents don't know how to do these things, too, or they learned and never used it, so they forgot. Skills need to be practiced. School is a great place to practice! But nah, it's all about STEM courses and sports. (I readily admit I am bitter and biased, as an arts person.)

[lilysea]

Emotional self regulation.

These days, a lot of kids learn this from their parents,

but I had to learn it as a teenager/adult from books and therapists.

[dolorosa_12]

From what you've said about your childhood, missing out on learning this was definitely no fault of your own, and I'm sorry your parents failed you in this regard. It's a very hard thing to learn, so it's a huge achievement that you were able to learn it the harder way, in adulthoood.

[pauraque]

I wish I'd been taught anything about car maintenance and repair. This wasn't an area of knowledge for either of my parents (my dad did teach me how to fix a computer, but he was definitely not a car guy) so I grew up without a clue about how to do anything besides putting gas in the tank. I still feel intimidated by cars and it's a big deal for me when I'm able to even refill the wiper fluid by myself!

[futurism]

Oh goodness same! Car maintenance seems to be something that comes easily to most people but just the idea of opening the hood makes me antsy, to the point I can't even change a tire. It also has the drawback of not being easily learnt on sites like youtube, so it really comes down to having someone in your physical vicinity willing to teach you. Hope it gets easier with time and more trying though!

[dolorosa_12]

Oh yes, that's definitely a really important skill. I don't know how to drive (and have never had any intention of learning; I decided as a child I would never learn to drive and never deviated from that), but if you do rely on a car to get around, being able to maintain and repair it are clearly crucial!

[nerakrose]

I think wiring, maybe? When putting in a new ceiling light, there's a degree of wiring involved, and I have no clue how to do it. I'm not a particular fan of ceiling lights to begin with, so when I was faced with this issue in my first flat in Copenhagen, I just... bought only floor lamps or table lamps to light the place. I lived like that for six years, lol. Still, it seems like a useful thing to know.

I have pretty solid and rounded set of life skills, from baking to sewing to cooking to cleaning to mending things - I even learned how to change a car tyre as a child, helping my dad change tyres on our car every season (and ones that had blown, on the roadside). I don't drive so dunno when I would ever need this skill, but hey, if I'm in your car and your tyre blows, I can change it for you so long as you have the tools and a spare. I can build things too, and I don't mean just IKEA furniture - I have built furniture from scratch. I know how to paint a room and put up wallpaper and how to tile a floor and all (or many) manners of home renovation things. We moved a lot when I was a kid, and so I've been involved in home renovations from a young age.

My parents are also both excellent cooks and bakers and let us help in the kitchen from when we were little, and they both sew and mend clothes. My dad taught me how to hem jeans (like me, he has short legs and always has to take up the hem on new trousers to make them fit.) And they taught us how to clean a house. (I have a vivid memory of teaching an American exchange student from Vermont how to clean windows when it was annual deep cleaning day in our student housing, because she didn't know how to do it. Her mum had never taught her how to clean anything because they had a cleaner. it was mind-blowing to 2010!me that such people existed.)

My mum sewed a lot of our clothes for us when we were young since she didn't work (90s rural Iceland didn't lend itself to many job opportunities) and we couldn't afford store bought clothes all the time. I picked up some things from her. Come to think of it, I even learned basic gardening skills, mostly for how to grow root vegetables, rhubarb, strawberries and redcurrants since that's about what we could grow in Iceland, but we did grow it. once we were in Denmark we grew also tomatoes and chillis and other things that can grow in a greenhouse so I learned that too. I learned how to forage for native berries (bilberries, stone bramble, blueberries, crowberries) and how to turn berries and rhubarb into different types of jam and jellies.

I think part of my skillset definitely also comes from school, since most of the schools I've attended have had hands-on classes in several subjects (changing every year or every semester), so I've done basic wood working, leather working, ceramics, cooking, food science, sewing, embroidery, knitting, painting, more wood working, etc. all at school in addition to things I learned at home.

But wiring, man, I never learned how to do that.

(edited for readability)

[dolorosa_12]

Wow, you have an absolutely intimidating list of life skills — I'm in utter awe! Of your list of skills, I can only do the cooking, cleaning and the gardening (and I can assemble flatpack furniture) — everything else I would need to pay a professional to do. You must be able to save yourself so much money, stress and hassle. I'm really impressed with how well you were taught by your parents and your school.

Not knowing how to do wiring must be annoying, but you can definitely do a lot of other things!

[nerakrose]

It has been very helpful for sure! If given the option of doing it myself and paying a professional, I would still rather have the professional do it (especially re: home renovation things). The fact I *can* do something doesn't necessarily mean I'm the best person to do it. I did once have to take out half my kitchen and put a new one in because of black mould damage from a leaky faucet, and I couldn't afford to have professionals do it so I did it myself. It was fine. I would still rather have paid people to do it to spare myself the trouble and heavy manual labour. I also haven't bothered taking up trouser hems in years, I would rather live with the cuffs scrunching up around my ankles honestly.

I realised this list makes me sound very accomplished, but it's like that idiom - jack of all trades, master of none. Some things I can do better than others. I'm a good cook and baker. I can usually fix a piece of broken furniture, but if you ask me to build a chair from scratch I can only promise that it'll be functional, not beautiful, and not necessarily comfortable either.

[likeadeuce]

I wish I'd learned makeup! This seems shallow but the few times I've had makeup professionally done I loved it but have no chance of duplicating it myself.

[el_staplador]

Oh yes, same! I love lipstick but have yet to get the hang of eye makeup.

My most conspicuously absent life skill is driving, which isn't really something you'd expect to learn in childhood. Most of the things I really wish I'd learned as a kid are frivolous - ice skating and playing the piano, for two.

[dolorosa_12]

Same here! I've somehow managed to teach myself to do eyeshadow, but anything else is beyond me — it really is an artistic skill, like painting, and requires a lot of effort and trial and error to learn. I don't think it's shallow at all to want to learn how to do makeup!

[sophia_sol]

I wish I had learned a second language while I was still a young enough child that brain plasticity makes language learning much easier and more intuitive. I don't know that this would have any practical benefits to my life, but I value the idea of being multilingual, and it seems like western english speakers are one of the few populations that thinks it's normal to speak only one language. And I just like language!

[dolorosa_12]

Oh yes, I'm so envious of people who were multilingual from childhood (either due to bilingual parents, or immigration at a young age). Based on my own experience of learning various languages at school as a teenager and then in adulthood, learning in an immersive way is the only way to make things properly stick, but this is the hardest and most expensive option!

[chestnut_pod]

Sewing for me as well! I can do the little repair things you mentioned -- buttonholes, busted seams, patching, a bit of darning -- but anything were I have to structurally make or change a piece of clothing? Not a clue. I've never used a sewing machine, even.

[dolorosa_12]

I've never used a sewing machine either! Based on the comments here, you're certainly not alone — a lot of people regret not knowing how to sew.

[futurism]

I'm suuuuuper jealous of crafty people who are good with their hands. Sewing, building things, fixing them, changing car tires, customizing furniture, you name it, I'm jealous of it all. You could say I grew up fairly sheltered to not having learned most of these things but I'm trying to make up for it ;; though I guess it's hard to come up with excuses to sew things unless nothing actually needs fixing?

My mother never learned how to sew herself for the reasons you mention so I'm dutifully shaking your hand about our shared background. In fact, seems we are both quite similar at this question! I also at least am a good enough cook, but would love to be more crafty as a whole.

[dolorosa_12]

I'm in complete awe of people who are able to do household repairs or renovation work themselves — I always have to pay a professional in those contexts, and people who can do this sort of stuff themselves are saving themselves a huge amount of money and stress. My dad is fairly skilled at this kind of thing but my sister and I didn't live with him after I was ten and she was six. My mother, on the other hand, can't do any of this kind of stuff herself, so we had no one to teach us. Weirdly, both of my grandfathers were very skilled — one was an architect and the other was a civil engineer, and both of them built their own houses from scratch. Both grandmothers sewed all the home furnishings (curtains, bedding, couch covers etc) as well as clothes for their children and later grandchildren. Whenever we needed stuff done around the house, one or both of my grandfathers would be roped in to do it!

Good for you for making an effort for learning these things as an adult. I'm too intimidated and worried that I would damage the house, so I always end up having to pay for a professional.

[thawrecka]

My parents taught me how to cook and sew, and I spend a lot of time avoiding doing either. 🤣 But I do wish they taught me more about home repair and maintenance. When my mother died I was too young to learn these things, and my father was always too disorganised after that to do a lot of these things, let alone teach me.

[dolorosa_12]

I regret not learning those things either. As I said above in reply to another comment, my dad knows how to do those kinds of things, but my sister and I didn't grow up living with him and so he never taught us. My two grandfathers were super skilled at home repairs and maintenance (one was a civil engineer, the other was an architect, and they both built their own homes from scratch, along with loads of furniture). Whenever my mother needed anything fixed around the house, she always got one of my grandfathers to do it. Now I'm too intimidated and worried I'd cause damage, which means a lot of additional stress and money to pay professionals when something is broken or needs changing.

[thawrecka]

My late grandfather was a carpenter, and built their home! I am not handy at all, alas. It really does add so much stress and money when you have to pay professionals to come into your home to fix things, instead of being able to do it yourself.

[monksandbones]

I wish I'd learned a little bit about machines and how they work and how to work on them. I work in a pretty machinery-heavy environment now, and while maintaining and repairing machinery isn't my job, I still find it intimidating, and it would be useful to be less helpless in the face of machine-related issues (or even able to identify when a machine is having an issue, let alone diagnose it). I'm slowly learning a bit more–I understand how multiple types of valves work now, for instance–but it's hard because I have no underlying framework or understanding for the knowledge to stick to!

[dolorosa_12]

I'm intimidated by that too, but I can definitely see that it would be particularly difficult in your job. Good for you for learning more about machinery, even if you find it hard. (Also, your icon is perfect!)

[lirazel]

Definitely sewing! Also any foreign language I could have learned as a child. Languages are so hard for as an adult, and it breaks my heart to think I could be fluent in something if I'd started at like 5.

[dolorosa_12]

So many people here have said either sewing or languages — they really are so much easier to learn in childhood, especially languages.